I’ve noticed that I typically spend most of the year at school (and now university) wishing for a holiday. Praying for a holiday. You know, a proper one. Where you actually don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. And I always find myself wondering why I never enjoy said holidays as much as I expect to, when they finally arrive.
I like routine. That’s all it is. Why did it take me so long to figure that out? I’m Aspie; that should have been a clue. Sigh.
And during holidays, especially 4-month-long ones like I’ve got now, I have far too much time on my hands. That inevitably means extreme introspection, extreme overthinking, and many more “extreme”s that my brain’s too fuzzy to think of right now. It’s easy to discourage yourself from doing things or convince yourself that there’s no point in anything when you have nothing else to do. Structure is more important than I thought.
Talking to my Personal Tutor at university, he told me that sometimes the Aspies in upper years need timetabling during long projects because if they have all this empty space (designed for working) not specifically assigned, they won’t know what to do, so they won’t do anything. I’d like to hope I’m not that bad, but it’s taken me long enough to realise why I’m not good on long holidays, so what do I know?
I’m dwelling rather than doing at the moment, and it’s not helping. I’m convincing myself to stay inside, that no one wants anything to do with me, and there’s a noticeable difference between this current attitude and the outlook during shorter (and often busier) holidays… ie. a proactive one.
Stagnation is the word. Good word. I like that word.
Maladaptive is another one. Which is the point I’m getting to… slowly. At points like this, I’m usually aware that I need routine, but not aware enough to make use of this to do something, you know, useful.
For Someone Like Me (as much as I hate doing the categorising thing), it’s all too easy to substitute “bad” routines for the lack of any. For once, I’ve caught myself doing it, and I’m going to work on stopping them before they get on my nerves too much. Literally. Typing(-slash-writing) helps, but without times set aside specifically for it, I wouldn’t do anything else except type(-slash-write) all day.
So I’m going to find some Things To Do… Offline. I’m not disappearing again, just less-appearing each day, if that makes sense. Wish me luck.