It’s a conspiracy… a conspiracy, I tell you…
Recently, I’ve been trying to help my brain. It’s been bashed around by various chemistry textbooks, shrivelled by my ever-more-confusing gender identity, and starved of input by various Mental Unhealthy Things for quite some time now. Poor thing. It’s a wonder it’s been working at all.
On Monday, it decided enough was enough, and I very much agreed, so I got out my old SLR (already mentioned here – it has film in it, shock horror, I know) and took a somewhat-unfamiliar walk around my area. I haven’t done that in a long time, and never on my own. But I thought, what better input than Green Things? I don’t live too far away from green areas, and there’s a naturey place with walks included… and I think I can remember my way around. If I don’t… too late.
The brilliant thing about photography is that it forces you to pay attention. You can’t just let your mind wander, and sometimes that’s the exact thing you’re trying to avoid. As was I.
So I loaded in a new film and off I went. Thank God for this odd-but-encouraging weather. I had used up the film just in time to leave the greeny bits and powerwalk the last few roads to home, and it took me a little over an hour. It was not only good exercise, but refreshing and it finally felt like my mind was free again.
I’ll post scans of the pictures when I get them back. They should be done by tomorrow. Six-pounds-effing-49. And that is why I want a DSLR: no insane developing costs. Anyway.
Repetition Is Key?
I thought I should keep it up, especially since I woke up the next morning with a less-than-brilliant feeling, psychologically. I’d like to blame erratic sleeping patterns… or at least blame my parents, who decided not to wake me up like they usually do, so I ended up sleeping so much that on waking, my muscles felt atrophied. Which was the perfect start to a holiday. But still.
And so, with the willpower of any Normal Teenager… I didn’t. Keep it up, that is.
Instead, I lazed around the house, enjoying the Good Light that I’m always claiming to be searching for. I spent several hours on t’internet, like the good little stereotype I am, and then paced around the house, talking to myself. And often, that doesn’t end well.
Nor did it end well yesterday. I managed, in the space of a few hours, to convince myself that I was a complete waste of space, and what the hell was I thinking volunteering for things I would only be useless at anyway, and oh for God’s sake just go and crawl back into my hole. That’s always fun.
Defiance in the Face of Adolescent Stupidity
Never one to admit to (deep breath) adolescent behaviour (and shudder), I forced myself out of it today.
Again, I found myself waking up much later than planned. OK, I get it, I’ve not slept well lately, and 6AM starts aren’t easy for anyone… but for crying out loud, Body Clock, give it a rest. Metaphorically. And let me wake up early enough to Get Things Done. Please?
My parents had no excuse today. My mum woke me up – properly – when she groaned her way out of bed for work, so she’s off the hook… but it’s my dad’s day off today, and he was up much earlier than he usually is, and yet failed to poke me. He manages to interrupt everything else I’m doing when we’re both awake, and yet not once can he interrupt my sleep, even when I’ve asked him to. Le sigh.
When I woke up, he had even left the house. He’d got up and gone shopping. Thanks Dad. Maybe I should tell him I have, you know, revision to do. That might just get him a-poking when it’s appreciated.
In many ways, I was glad he’d floated off. I rushed around the house, getting washed and dressed and things, in the hope that by the time I left, he still wouldn’t be home. That way, I would get to avoid an inevitably long conversation involving him stating The Bleedin’ Obvious that would go something like this:
“Oh… you’re up!”
“And… you’re… outside!”
“Did you mean to be… outside?”
“Why… are you… outside?”
“… yes. Erm, I mean, I’m going on a walk now…”
“You’re going out!”
“Where are you going?”
“… on a walk. Same as Monday.”
“Oh… round there. Again?”
*Puts on an odd voice that defies description*
“… erm… yes?”
And so on.
Just My Luck
As above. As soon as I got to the gate at the back of our house, I met his car, on the other side of it. And he proceeded to delay me by a good 10 minutes with pointless questions. In case I wasn’t aware that it’s not normal for me to be leaving the house, on my own, by choice and all. But that was Kinda The Point of it, and I was trying to avoid it becoming a Big Deal – all that does is serve to remind me of the things I struggle with when I really shouldn’t – and… no such luck.
Again, I’m going off the point.
So eventually I set off. Nothing but keys and Softfruits in my pockets. And apart from having to take a slight detour so as to avoid being crushed by large dogs without leads, everything had been going well.
… Or Not
I had been enjoying the exercise, and the clear-headed feeling that came with it, up until the point where I encountered humanity again. There’s a small break in the Country Walk (all footpaths and such like), where walking down a Country Road is necessary. Lots of bends and twirly bits. Great views. And, inevitably, cars.
It’s a bit of a Posh Area, round there. While I hate the word “posh” for its judgemental over (and under) tones, it really does seem to apply here. Houses with 17 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms and a 12:1 ratio of TVs to people. You know what I mean.
I’ve never had much of a problem before… but then again, I’ve usually been walking with Responsible Adults, so they’re all much less likely to think I’m a Delinquent With A Crowbar or whatever else their imagination might come up with at the time.
This time round, they decided I was Just Too Much of a Threat. They saw me, always on the correct side of the road, especially careful around bends… and sped up. Great big 4x4s screaming past, inches away from me. Yes, the roads are narrow, but they’re not that flipping narrow. And there were loads of them this time… just like they’d planned it.
Eventually I escaped back onto my winding footpath, across a hill with magnificent views on one side. I got up to the top of the hill, and I was back on the roads. Officially away from the Green Space, and on my way home.
I turned the corner to find some people walking in the other direction. OK, I’m an anti-social weirdo most of the time, but I’m not unfriendly, so to speak; I smile at people, and I don’t go out of my way to avoid conversation. So I smiled.
I got the Strangest Look Ever, coupled by what can only be described as a visible Edge Away. I still can’t figure out why.
Shrug shoulders, carry on.
I almost got run over. Again. By another speeding 4×4. And then again. By another 4×4. Followed by two more. It was 11AM on a Wednesday, on a little winding sideroad, for crying out loud; where did all this traffic come from? Almost like they were… put up to it, one might think.
Rather more speedy powerwalking from that point on. Home stretch now. And yet more people walking in the other direction. Smiled the first time round. Nothing; looked in t’other direction if anything. Avoiding responsibility for The Assassination Plot, perhaps? Smiled the second time round. Second Strangest Look Ever.
Let’s get inside the house. Now.
So I flew home, overactive imagination going haywire, and hid in a corner for a while. Then I started typing. And all is well.